In her latest book, People Pleaser: Breaking Free from the Burden of Imaginary Expectations, Jinger Duggar Vuolo takes readers on a vulnerable and deeply personal journey through her struggle with people-pleasing tendencies and her path to discovering true freedom in Christ.
The 31-year-old offers a candid examination of how her upbringing under the teachings of disgraced pastor Bill Gothard and the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP) shaped her understanding of identity, relationships and faith.
For years, Vuolo’s life followed a rigid script. The IBLP’s teachings emphasized strict authority structures and outward appearances, placing an outsized burden on women to maintain harmony at all costs. Gothard, now 90, led the controversial church until 2014 when more than 30 women accused him of harassment and molestation.
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“You need to keep your husband happy with you, and if you don’t, then he may run off, and it will be your fault, and then you’ll be left alone, because it was all your fault that you did not please him well, and you didn’t do all the things to make him happy,” Vuolo told The Christian Post, reflecting on the problematic messaging she received growing up.
“I think that the pressure it placed on women definitely was unhealthy and it was imbalanced.”
It was this mindset, she explained, that fostered a fear of rejection and a compulsion to conform, traits that defined much of her early life.
She, her 18 siblings and their parents, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, shot to fame on the long-running TLC series “19 Kids and Counting” that presented their counter-cultural lives: They dressed modestly, actively participated in the church, didn’t dance, drink or smoke, and, instead of dating, “courted” their future spouses.
After exposing the toxic elements of Gothard’s teachings in her previous book, Becoming Free Indeed, Vuolo realized that the struggle with people-pleasing wasn’t just an external issue but a deeply rooted internal battle.
“I was really afraid,” she said. “I felt like if I spoke up, that it could ruin relationships. I thought I was going to lose my community; all of these things were fears in my mind. I thought, if I’m quiet and I don’t say anything, it’s going to keep everyone happy, and I won’t have to face their wrath or judgment. At the same time, I couldn’t do that. After many years of wrestling through that, I came to the place where I felt compelled to write this book.”
This realization became the catalyst for People Pleaser. In it, Vuolo distinguishes between serving others out of love and being trapped by a fear of disapproval. She reflects on her personal growth in marriage, crediting her husband, Jeremy Vuolo, with helping her break the cycle of unhealthy submission.
The IBLP’s teachings emphasized outward appearances over inward transformation, leaving many adherents spiritually wounded, Vuolo said. Gothard’s rules, though presented as biblical truths, were actually deep distortions of Scripture and cultivated a culture of fear rather than faith.
“In Scripture, we see so many of these balancing truths about being submissive, submitting to one another … weren’t there [growing up]. It was more so, ‘It’s all on you as a woman to perform.’ That was something that was tough for me,” she said.
She described how this mindset infiltrated her early marriage and even small decisions, such as hesitating to share her dinner preferences with her husband.
“I never wanted to speak my mind with Jeremy,” she recalled. “I never wanted to share what was deeply on my heart because I was afraid. … I would rarely tell him what I was actually thinking. That whole mindset really created in me an even deeper sense of people pleasing where now, I’m not just trying to please people outside; I’m trying to please my husband in a way that’s not healthy. He thankfully did not let that happen. He realized, ‘This is not healthy. You need to be able to speak your mind. You need to think for yourself and share what you are actually thinking.’”
As a mother of two daughters with a third child on the way, Vuolo said she’s intentional about raising her children differently.
“I don’t want my girls to feel like they have to perform to be loved or accepted,” she said, adding that she and Jeremy strive to teach their children that their worth comes from God, not from the approval of others. “We point them back to the truth that they are perfect just as God made them.”
The author reflected on how social media amplifies the pressures of people-pleasing. She recounted a time when opening up to a friend during postpartum struggles brought unexpected healing and a deeper connection.
“There’s so much pressure to look perfect, but it’s isolating,” she said. “When we let people into our mess, that’s where genuine relationships begin. … It’s so easy just to want to keep everyone on our good side; don’t let them see our flaws. Don’t let them see our messy house, all those things. We’re trying to keep up this facade of who we want people to think we are. Ultimately, when we do that, we miss out on genuine relationships.”
Throughout People Pleaser, Vuolo weaves biblical truths and personal stories to illustrate how people-pleasing can rob individuals of true joy and community. She challenges readers to examine their motivations with “ruthless honesty but without judgment” and to anchor their identity in God.
“When we serve others out of fulfillment in Christ, we’re free from the fear of rejection,” she explained.
She also stressed the importance of biblical literacy, emphasizing the crucial role it plays in discerning biblical truths from false teachings — like those presented by Gothard. While false teachings will persist, she stressed that Scripture offers a solid foundation for discerning truth.
“One of the things that really pains me the most, is to see those who claim to speak for God, don’t,” she said.
“They lead people astray. At the end of the day, there will always be false teachers. There will always be people who are out there for themselves, trying to bind people’s consciences to things that are not in Scripture. We have to say, ‘OK, it was said in Scripture that there will be many false teachers and false prophets who come, and that is ultimately what we have now.’ We have to be more vigilant. We have to know the Word of God. We have to know the context of what’s being taught because that’s huge. I think if we’re missing context we’re going to be led astray easily and really confused in Scripture.
“There’s also hope there, knowing that in the end, those teachers will stand before God and they will have to give account for what they’ve taught, and they will be held to a stricter judgment because of it” she added. “That is something that is comforting and fearful at the same time. We have the answers in the Bible, that there is hope and we can know what God’s Word says when we study it in the right context.”
Vuolo said she’s also hopeful about her family’s response to her public critique of Gothard’s teachings, as over the years, it’s brought about meaningful, albeit varied, discussions within her family.
“We’ve had so many conversations about it,” she shared. “I think that different ones in my family may agree more or less about the teachings and where I stand on that. But I’m hopeful that, as time goes on, they’ll continue to see why I’m in this place and what I hold to as true.”
“It’s nothing against my family. I love them dearly, and being able to speak out has been freeing. I’ve also been encouraged to see many of my siblings coming to a more balanced perspective on things,” she said.
Vuolo said that by sharing her journey, which she admitted is sometimes painful, she wants to guide others toward freedom from the bondage of approval-seeking. If one person sees the truth of the Gospel through her story, she said, her eyes welling with tears, it was “all worth it.”
“We’re called to serve others sacrificially, just as Christ did,” she said. “But we can only do that when our worth is secure in Him. … I want [people-pleasers] to come to a place where you’re loving others and serving others, you’re able to be a listening ear for people and to be in their lives as Christ was for us sacrificially, laying down our lives, saying, ‘OK, no matter what they think of me, I want to love and serve them.’”
“In the end, that is only done through first, a relationship with Christ, knowing Him, loving Him, and He will give you the ability to walk in a way that’s pleasing to Him and not in a way that you’re just seeking to please everyone around you. That brings true freedom.”
Leah M. Klett is a reporter for The Christian Post. She can be reached at: leah.klett@christianpost.com
