Are our expectations of marriage to blame for our divorce?

Every year, divorce rates peak in January and are so high that the industry has coined it “Divorce January,” with the first working Monday of the month colloquially dubbed “Divorce Day” due to the high number of divorce filings. While some of us may associate the holiday season with love, happiness, and family, it is a time of extreme pressure and relational animosity for many. When reality fails to meet our high hopes, many marriages experience a post-Christmas crash and consider it the final straw.

In our day, America has the 13th highest rate of divorce in the world, with around 86 divorces happening every hour. According to the American Psychological Association, approximately 40% to 50% of first marriages end in divorce, as well as almost two-thirds of second marriages. Though Christian marriages are less likely to lead to divorce compared to those of secular couples, around 35% to 50% of Christian marriages in America still end this way.

While divorce rates today do not hit the extremes seen in the 1980s, the persistently high rates point towards a misalignment between our expectations and the realities of marriage, especially during trying periods. It is interesting to consider how a period of several decades of what could be seen as cultural prosperity may have weakened the resilience muscles of perseverance and patience that aid us in responding to and growing through adversity, particularly in marriage.

Combined with reduced social stigma, increased affordability, and a less restrictive legal system around divorce, this has led to the balance between fight and flight being weighted towards the latter. Solving the divorce epidemic will take more than just holding people to the biblical standard of marriage — it will require us to compassionately provide couples considering divorce with the mental and physical tools they need to equip and encourage them to fight for their partnership.

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And there is no better time to start than now.

Where once marriage was seen as a life-long commitment, with couples recognizing a need to either put the marriage or their spouse before themselves, a cultural acceptance of today leans toward tolerating that marriages will not last more than a few years. Instead of a biblical perspective on marriage that can provide guardrails to fight for the union where possible, a more self-focused narrative that prioritizes moving on rather than holding on is often commended.

The Church’s reputation has taken a hit over the years when it has prioritized keeping couples together to avoid divorce, instead of recognizing situations when a divorce is the best, though undesirable, solution in the circumstances — for example, in cases of physical abuse. In Matthew 9:13, Jesus says “I desire mercy, not sacrifice” demonstrating His priority for compassion.

I have known people who have suffered in verbally and physically abusive marriages for decades but decided to stay at it despite blatant adultery because they read and were told that God hated divorce. But God also hates abuse, and there are both exceptions for divorce and paths for healing in abuse in the Bible. We want to help people seek the Lord for His leading, whatever they face.

Our interpretations of God’s Word, without the application of God’s grace, can lead us down a legalistic spiritual road. It is often a works-based faith at the core of this tendency; a desire to please God, follow the rules, and check off boxes. Usually, these expectations are going out from people who have not dealt with the prospect or reality of a broken marriage. They have not needed that grace, so they may not know how to extend it.

Many churches have woken up to this situation and are making efforts to support marriages and families, but they do not always have the resources or tools to equip people. Couples leading mid-week groups are often tasked with helping to support people in their groups but usually don’t have any training. It is no small task for churches to maintain their ability to safeguard and ensure that their leaders are promoting a biblical message as opposed to using their own cultural or personal experiences as their foundations of truth.

There are incredible resources out there that churches can utilize to help couples address their expectations for marriage.  It is possible to minimize the risk of divorce before a couple gets married. For instance, sometimes couples want to get married for the wrong reasons.  Churches can be prepared with the insight and tools to identify when this is happening, such as idolizing marriage or viewing it simply as the next cultural stepping stone.

If we don’t have a biblical view of marriage, then we won’t have a biblical view of divorce. We can exhibit God’s truth and grace through our compassion when we’re supporting those either considering or going through a divorce. Divorce should be a last resort, so let’s encourage those in struggling marriages to take time to reflect on their relationship.

Remember that the Holy Spirit is there, and we are able to invite the Holy Spirit into our situations. This is God’s grace to us that as we care for others, He will guide us.  Struggling marriages are not just our own burdens, but are in the hands of God.  Encourage people not to just fight for their marriage, but to seek God in their journey, because He is present and there is hope.

If you are looking for biblical support and resources on divorce for either yourself or a loved one, visit www.hopefortheheart.org. To grow in your confidence to help others consider attending in-person or virtually the Hope Together conference this September https://hopetogether.com.