A few weeks ago, I wrote that I had reached a tipping point in 2024: I no longer wanted to pastor anymore, and I wasn’t sure why. Looking back, I don’t believe that it had to do with stress as much as discouragement.
Wounded on the battlefield
By this time in ministry, the relational pain was also reaching a crescendo. Only pastors know how it feels to pour into people for years and then have them turn on you — it can really wear on you, not to mention how many friends and co-laborers moved out of California. It was definitely a hard season.
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Obviously, we have to take responsibility for some of the fallout we experience, but after working with thousands of people for many years and watching many pastors go through similar challenges, the bottom line is that tearing down pastors often makes people feel better. When we lovingly challenge someone about their attitude and behavior, instead of repenting, changing, and growing, most people make us the target of their anger.
It’s beautiful when people work on their shortcomings together (including pastors); the relationship becomes even stronger as a result. But I’m sad to report that’s rarely the case — most people leave the church when they are lovingly confronted. If we add to the mix the people who have a tendency to be judgmental about the worship, the flow of the service, and the sermon topics, as well as what you wear, how you lead, and any other thing they can find to complain about, it can really be depressing.
Health can aid healing
Not only was pastoring wearing on me, but so was my health. Once I reached my 50s, there were definite hormonal shifts taking place, such as lower testosterone levels. I also experienced higher blood pressure, inflammation, muscle loss, and weight gain, along with other symptoms resembling prediabetes. I was developing what many experts are now calling “metabolic syndrome.”
This was hard to swallow because I have an extensive background in health and fitness, but the bottom line was that weighing 220 lbs. at 6’2” may have been permissible in my younger years, but not now. I knew what to do; I was just having a hard time doing it. Isn’t that the case with so many of us?
An acquaintance of mine, Gary Brecka, said that 90% of people never sprint again after age 30. I set out to be part of the 10%, but instead, I severely pulled and possibly tore my hamstring, which set me back for the rest of the year. Additionally, my blood pressure was climbing, and I was out of energy. The downward spiral continued. I appeared fit on the outside, but not on the inside.
The clock was ticking
I would wake up in the morning and not want to do anything. The clock was ticking, but I wasn’t changing. I was still following my pattern over the last 25 years of waking up between 3 am and 4 am, listening to worship, and praying, but I felt like God was very distant and that I was simply going through the motions.
Ironically, I was doing well in my walk with the Lord in terms of my home life. My marriage and family were never stronger. The people I pastor, as well as our staff and volunteers, were wonderful. So, it wasn’t the people — it was me. I was growing weary, worn out, and exhausted.
In addition to having five kids at home, three of whom were teenagers, our church bought two radio stations in Los Angeles County in 2019, and I became the de facto manager, accountant, and marketer. If a transmitter wasn’t down, the internet was, and if a cradle point wasn’t out of order, our air conditioning units were. Even though I had taken a sabbatical a few years earlier, I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I quickly learned that you can’t thrive spiritually on yesterday’s blessing.
One more major disappointment
After nearly 15 years of pastoring and 25 years in ministry, I was getting older and life was flying by — a true midlife crisis. But specifically, there was one more major disappointment that had a compounding effect. Our church is in a rural area, on the outskirts of the more populated area in Los Angeles County. After nearly 15 years of praying for a large, centrally located building with plenty of space for kids, youth, and fellowship, I realized that my dream might not have been God’s dream.
How did I pull out of this tailspin? Read more in my next article or download the book for free.
Shane Idleman is the founder and lead pastor of Westside Christian Fellowship in Lancaster, California, just North of Los Angeles. Shane’s sermons, articles, books, and radio program can all be found at shaneidleman.com or wcfav.org. He is the author of Feasting & Fasting, If My People, Desperate for More of God, and Help! I’m Addicted. Follow him on Facebook at: facebook.com/confusedchurch. You can also follow Pastor Shane on Instagram @shaneidleman and Twitter (X) @IdlemanShane
