My child is trans. Here is how I deal with the pain

We thought we were going crazy.

Our children were taken from us; from right under our noses.  The daughters we thought we had and the sons we’d raised – gone.  When we tried to say, “But you’re still my daughter.  You’re still my son,” our child would attack us.  If we told friends, family members, and colleagues, they would challenge us and ask why we were not affirming our “trans” child. It got so bad that many of us started to doubt ourselves, started to wonder if maybe we did have a “trans” child.

This is how gaslighting works. A gradual erosion of our ability to trust our senses. We are made to doubt what we see and what we hear.  Eventually — if we are not careful — the truth is replaced by a lie.

Three years ago, my teenage daughter left our home to stay with relatives. We thought she needed an escape after the terror of COVID. It turned out she was running away due to her fear of how I would react to finding out she now identified as “trans.”

Despite being unaware of her gender dysphoria, I was concerned about “gender identity” and had been reading Abigail Shrier’s Irreversible Damage.  Even though the book is written in a compassionate tone and Shrier obviously cares about the distress young people are experiencing, I responded to what I read with horror and anger.

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I now re-read the Book of James’s warnings about the tongue and wonder how I could have expressed my anger better and not in front of my children. I didn’t know back then that while I had grown up in a family that was comfortable conveying strong views and having heated discussions, my children may have struggled with the way I expressed my emotions.

These last years I have frequently found myself reminded of the experience of Job losing his children and all his possessions in a single day. This is what it can be like for those of us parents whose child identifies as trans. The child we thought we had is no more and we are not permitted to mourn.

We are confused and upset, angry and terrified. We are afraid because the more we find out about being “trans,” the more risks are uncovered. Stats for Gender provides a litany of risks associated with gender “transition”: Risk of infertility, urinary incontinence, and cognitive impairment are just some of the concerning side effects of what is termed “gender affirming treatment.”  I put these terms in quotes as I believe none of them deserve to be given respect. If we can bear to look into what “gender affirming surgeries” involve, as one UK doctor is now sharing, we find that our children have likely been mis-sold surgeries as the “solution to their mental distress.”

Jesus warned us to be wary of ferocious wolves who would lie about who and what they are. He warned us we would experience trouble and that we would suffer. Do we believe our Lord? In one of Jesus’ most famous parables, He contrasted the foolish and wise man in times of crisis: the foolish man was swept away due to having no foundation while the wise man stood firm because he was secure on the rock.

Am I a wise man? Are you wise? Well, when all the bad things happened, all at once, I got down on my knees and turned to the Rock, to Jesus Christ, and begged for help. Perhaps in such a situation, that is the only wise thing any of us can do. I prayed, and kept praying, as did my wife and those who loved us.

Jesus did not promise that our prayers would always be instantly answered. Those Bible passages about asking, seeking and knocking are there because sometimes the answer will be a long time coming. For me, it has been three years and counting. For other parents, they have passed the first decade. Jesus counseled us not to worry about tomorrow, or next year, or the next decade, each day has enough trouble of its own. Our Father in Heaven knows what we need on this day. In the chaos that we can face when a loved one identifies as “trans,” reminding ourselves of such counsel from Jesus can help us stay sane.

I was undone when my child came out as “trans.” I turned from a person who was goal-oriented, ambitious, and driven, to one barely able to function. It devastated me to contemplate what my daughter was planning to do to herself. During COVID I had felt a need to study repentance.  I ended up organizing those studies into my first published Bible study and prayer guide: 31 Days of Prayer. Eventually, perhaps two years into the “trans” nightmare, I began to wonder if it would help me to do another study and see what God might have to say to me and other parents affected by this awful movement.

My experience of estrangement, feelings of failure, fear, anger and confusion — all the pain we can experience has been written about before and recorded in the Bible. I took comfort in finding that God has been faithful to others in the past even through events worse than those I am going through. Gradually I formed a new book: They Cried Out to the Lord: 31 Days of Prayer for Parents of Trans Identified Children, which was published in January 2025.

I believe as parents when in a crisis we must return to the solid and secure foundation of Jesus Christ, seek our Father in Heaven, and the comfort of his Holy Spirit. It is only our God and Savior who will enable us to survive the storm we are in.